Hi everyone. Here's my first post in this LJ community. Uh.. this is not that slashy. I'm not that gifted unlike the others who did a pretty good job. But I hope you would like it.

TITLE: Dear Diary
PAIRING: RyDen
POV: Brendon's
SUMMARY: Brendon talks about how special his friendship with Ryan is.
DISCLAIMER: Not owning anyone. Not that slashy.

Dear Diary,

Ok. First and foremost, let me apologize coz honestly, I am not really a keeper of some sort of journals. This would be the first time that I'd do so. You need to cope up with me on this if you don't want to be put into flames. Kidding.

I'm Brendon Urie, 19, the voice behind Panic! at the Disco.

Juggling the balls of being a teenager and at the same time, a public figure is really a tough job to do. We tour a lot, do shows here in the States or sometimes in foreign domains. I've been away from home for quite a long time now, and the band has been my family since then. Spencer, Jon, and Ryan have became not only my best friends, but brothers. We lived our young lives together on the road and built a strong bond that would last as long as we stick to it. I know we would.

Among the four of us, I am the only one who doesn't keep a diary. Those 3 are keeping journals for themselves. Ryan insisted me to have my own one. He said that whenever you want to express something but you don't want others to hear, or more importantly, know more about it, you have the pen and this notebook to pour your heart out.

Ryan's right. This makes me express what I really feel, without anyone hearing it.

And for that one, Dear diary... I would to tell you a secret about someone that is really close to my heart. Someone, whom I considered my confidante, my pillar of strength. Someone who considered me as his X-Ray.

I wanna tell you something about the very person who suggested me to keep a journal. Someone named Ryan Ross.

Since being in the band, I've been closest to Ryan. Not that I wasn't that connected with Spencer, or Brent (the former bassist), or Jon (the current bassist), it's just that I have spent more times with Ry. Musically speaking, he would always talk to me about the songs that he had written and how should I deliver those, or some things related to our performances, interviews, appearances, those kind of stuff. We always discuss about them with the band.

But apart from those talks, Ry and I share sentiments to each other. About life, love, and everything else in between. When we have our days-off, Ry and I would have some personal talks about each other. Not that we are sneaking behind our other bandmates' backs. Of course they know about it. But sometimes, the both of us just feel uncomfortable when we talk about our lives with a lot of people could see us.

Since having those private talks with Ryan, I have been honored to become his confidante. Honestly, a guy like Ry isn't comfy when he talks about his life - family and relationships - to a lot of people. I am sure as hell grateful for the trust he bestowed upon me. And for that, I made sure that there's is no chance in hell that I'd break that trust. It's lucky of me to be an X-Ray for Ryan Ross, the troubled wordsmith of Panic! at the Disco.

Going back to the early days of Panic!, Ryan is the most bubbly, spontaneous, one heck of a joker in the band. He would always blurb out punchlines that would make the whole crew laugh their asses off, to the point where someone has peed on their pants. Really. That's how comic Ry WAS. Take note: WAS.

Then a whirlwind of instances punched Ryan to the chest. His dad's alcoholism took it's toll, and died. And there was Ry's break-up with his girlfriend. I'd tell you, Ryan Ross shattered during those times. He always tried to be OK. Maybe he wanted no one to worry about him. But doing so, we, especially myself, worried about his welfare. He might seem to be really reserved at all times. But I know deep inside him that he wanted to cry. He wanted to scream. He wanted to curse the hell out of everything. He wanted to break down. I've felt it, even though he won't open up to me, or to anyone in the band. I thought that maybe he didn't want anyone else to be bothered by all of his drama. But what he didn't know, I am ready to listen. I am ready to take every blow that he'd let out, I'd be ready to catch all the swearing that he could let out. I am ready to comfort him when he breaks down.

What I noticed about Ry after all that has happened was he would always wear eyeliner and would always do those wicked sick eye make-ups during shows. I told myself, "What in the world is he thinking? Is he gay that's why he's wearing those fancy make-ups?" But at the time when I have stared into Ryan's hazel eyes, there's this unbearable sadness that no one seemed to take notice. People say that our eyes are the windows to our soul. And by staring at his eyes, I've
seen an emotional wreck in Ryan Ross. And those make-ups just conceal what he is inside. He tend to close those "windows" for the people not to intrude inside of his broken soul.

And those lyrics?! Those are the fruits of Ryan's unexpressed hatred, frustration, doubts, fears, everything that has enveloped him into some sort of a emotional prisoner. And being the one who's able to sing those lines makes me feel the extension of that broken soul. singing Ryan's compositions made me feel like I'm a  part of his inner self, and for that I am so much grateful. I feel like I was destined to be Ryan's medium of expression. And being so, I am thankful.

By being Ryan Ross' dedicated "messenger," I was able to go through his inner soul. By reading through the songs that he'd written, I was able to know what's eating Ry all this time. And that made me understand, and most of all, respect him more.

I could recall the first time when Ryan and I decided to have our 'open forum.' I was the one who called him out for that. First, I thought he might reject the offer and say that it's just a waste of time. But what happened was the exact opposite. So we decided to have that talk in my place, since there was no other option because the next day would be hectic for us. Then there we were, seated at my bed, staring at each other's eyes. No words were uttered during that time. When...

"Ry?! Are you really OK?!" I asked first.

No response.

"C'mon dude! I know there are issues that you just don't wanna talk about. I know that it's really sucky to be nosy and all but, I am just concerned. I just want to let you know that I am willing, and I am ready to listen. Just open up if you need to. You don't want to be eaten alive by all of those shits, do you?!"

Still, sheer silence.

We looked again in each other's eyes. Then I noticed tears being formed in his beautiful, hazel eyes. Then for the first time in history, the almighty Ryan Ross III finally broke down.

No words came out from his mouth. All I could hear from him was his sobbing. I could feel his heart pounding so hard as he cried.

At that point, I really felt his world drastically collapsed on my bare hands. Like the world crumbling down from his shoulders down to my body. At that moment, he looked like a child who had been left alone in the wilderness and had found comfort from someone who saw him there.

It tooks hours before Ryan stopped crying. And I mean HOURS. I had mixed emotions after that. One, I was glad to be that someone who was there when he broke down. I was so relieved that he finally had let go of those things and is ready to start anew. But at the same time, I felt terrible. I asked myself, "Was Ryan deserving of all the shitty things he had encountered in this world?"

Days after that incident, I monitored Ryan's every move. His ways hasn't changed, though. He's still quiet most of the time. But he would mingle with us during leisure time. He smiles a lot now, though it's still evident in his eyes that he's a wreckage inside. The boys might not notice that, but I do. And I care about him, really. He's been a big brother to me. He'd done lots of things for me. And being called as his X-Ray, I have a responsibility to be Ryan Ross' extension of his soul. I wouldn't leave
him hanging. I love him. And I'd do everything to keep him safe. I am willing to do, and give, all it takes to save Ryan from an emotional prison that had him held hostage eversince he's been into this cruel world.

During my 19th birthday, Ryan had this note for me:

JT Leroy once said, "Everybody needs someone to know who they really are." Happy 19th Birthday, B, thanks for being my X-Ray.

And that line sums all up my friendship with Ryan Ross. It's special. I am honored to be his friend. I would always be grateful that I have came to know someone as twisted, and at the same time as beautiful as Ry. Nothing in this world could ever change that.

So I guess this is it, for now. Frankly speaking, I enjoyed making my first ever diary entry. I felt relieved. So I guess I'd make writing here a habit. But don't expect me to write most of the time, coz I'm busy with stuff. Haha!

Ryan just texted me, we would be meeting with Spence and Jon at the latter's pad before hitting the road once again. I just love hanging out with those guys. So I need to go now and prep up.

Exactly where you'd like me,
BDen.